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Against the Grain
Communicating better for Jesus
Presenter: Larry Kirkpatrick
Location: Mentone Seventh-day Adventist Church, CA, USA
Delivery: 2008-12-13 03:14Z
Publication: GreatControversy.org 2008-12-14 18:31Z
Type: Sermon
URL: http://www.greatcontroversy.org/gco/ser/kirl-againstgrain.php
Note: The following sermon was presented to the Spanish Section of the Mentone Church. Because it was translated from English to Spanish, only about half of the material was presented. It pertained to certain challenges within the Spanish section of the congregation, and not particularly to my own pastoral leadership. I am an English speaker and much of the guidance for the Spanish section comes from within the Spanish section leadership itself. —LK
When someone becomes a Christian, they do not suddenly come under some magical force that forces them to be nice, or, that makes them to have the best processes of communication, or, that forces them to take responsibility for themselves as they should. Becoming a Christian means not only accepting God’s will and the power to overcome through Christ in a moment in time, but, over and over again, choosing to go against old habits and inclinations and to forge new patterns of thinking and doing. It often means resisting what seems most convenient, and instead living by principled choice after principled choice. Knowing about Jesus, or being baptized, does not make one a Christian. Rather,
We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death (1 John 3:14).
It is in loving the brethren—loving those who have joined the family of Jesus—that it is known whether or not we have passed from death to life. How is this “loving the brethren” demonstrated? By how we behave among the brethren. If we do not treat fellow church members in a Christian manner, then, whatever our stated profession, we are not Christians.
There are many concrete ways in which it is seen whether or not we love the brethren. Do we attend church meetings regularly, to bless and be blessed? Do we join in meeting the needs in the church, helping it financially? More than this, do we give the gift of our presence; are we personally present and involved in what is happening at our church? Are we willing to bear responsibilities, accepting church officer positions, attending administrative meetings? And how Christian are our communications with and about each other? Do we follow the processes outlined in Scripture, or do we take shortcuts? Do we communicate in a Christian manner, or as the unconverted do?
The modern media offer few helpful models of Christian communication. Turn on the radio or television or read a blog on the internet, and one is likely to see and hear everyone from the dog catcher to the president undergoing character assassination. If you intentionally pass on a misrepresentation of someone, you become a part of the lie. Which brings us to another text. Revelation 21:8:
The fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
First Timothy 5:22 warns us not to be partakers in other men’s sins. The wages of sin is what? Death (Romans 6:23). When you partake of, that is, participate in someone else’s sin, you place your experience in jeopardy. You must repent—be sorry for what you have already done, ask forgiveness, and in behavior turn back from the evil altogether.
But this is not quite the main topic for us to consider today. We intend to consider our process of communication. How do we communicate godly with our Christian brothers and sisters? How do we love the brethren?
Christian Communication
What are the responsibilities to be observed in Christian communication? Here are some:
Respect for Overseers
Probably the first thing that comes to mind is not respect for pastors and church officers (overseers). But the Scriptures are plain enough. Consider Hebrews 13:7:
Remember them which have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the word of God: whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation.
And 17:
Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.
This is interesting wording—having the rule over you. Verse seven tells us who these are who have the rule over us. They have spoken God’s word to us, and their behavior is exemplary Christian behavior. They are living examples of godliness. Verse 17 makes our remembering them quite concrete: we are to obey them. This means submitting ourselves to them.
This does not means that we are to accept everything they say as being from God, every interpretation of Scripture that they make as being the only right one, or that every idea they have is sent to them straight from heaven. But we are called to listen closely to them, to see God at work through them, and do what we can to work with them and as God leads, offer our own input. They need it. Some of what they receive they will receive direct from God, but some of what they receive from God they will receive through us. The church members know God too.
But consider the responsibility of the Pastor or local church leader. Their responsibility is extreme. They watch for your souls. If you are saved or lost, they must give an account of their stewardship. Souls will be won or lost to the kingdom because of your pastors and your local church leaders. They will be held accountable. They lay awake at night, praying for you, pleading for your salvation, trying to understand God’s purposes and plans for you. You go home from church and criticize the pastors and preachers and chew your leaders between your teeth. It’s not right. It’s not godly. It sets are terrible example for your own children. God is not in this behavior. But you and I both know who is.
Now being a pastor or church leader does not confer infallibility on one. Leaders often make mistakes. Just like you, they are growing in Christ. They cannot claim always to be right. And they don’t.
Part of being a pastor or local church leader is to be one who models Christian communication. What does this mean? Communication means more than talking; it means learning how to listen well too. Leaders need to learn how to listen well. Better listening means a better understanding of what someone is saying, and with a better understanding of what someone is saying, we can offer the most helpful response.
Draw Out the Intended Meaning
A good listener will try to draw out and clarify the intended meaning of the speaker. He will give undivided attention to what is being said. He will often rephrase what he has heard, putting it into his own words, and then restate this back to the speaker. The original speaker will then be able to correct a wrong understanding.
Actually Listen
Another important point is to try to actually listen. Too often, when we are speaking with others, we are listening to them but instead of giving them our full attention, we are actually busy formulating a response. We are waiting for them to stop talking so that we can present our response. But we are not listening to what they are saying. Somewhere along the way we “turned off the sound.” So we stand there smiling, even nodding our head in agreement, but we are not listening. We should repent of this behavior. We should try to listen closely. We can decide what to say in response after we have heard what we are going to respond to. Makes sense?
This is the work of the listener. We cannot force him to do this work. He must learn improved methods of listening. On our part, the best we can do is try to present our ideas with as much clarity and in as few words as possible. Then the listener will not be tempted to “turn off the sound.”
Value Input
The good listener may need to learn to value the input of others. Or he may value what they are saying, but somehow they may not perceive that he values it. He needs to listen closely and be ready to hear and incorporate into what is happening the good ideas of others. He needs to remember that God is at work in many lives, and Heaven has insight to offer through many members of the congregation. We are all in this together. The gifts God gives to His churches are to benefit the whole of His church (Ephesians 4:7, 11-16).
The good listener needs to learn how to communicate to others that he values, truly values, their opinions and ideas. They need to know that he has truly listened to them. He needs to learn how to help them realize that he is listening. A good listener needs to learn how to read people and how to communicate his positive reaction to their sharing with him. People are not looking for praise or flattery; they just need to know that they are being taken seriously.
These things are some of the challenges and necessities of good listening. Pray for your leaders. Do what you can to help them become better and better listeners. And God wil add His blessing to your church.
Christian Logging
Christians need to get their own business in order. Hear Luke 6:41, 42:
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother's eye.
We are keen to see the small speck in our brother or sister’s eye, but we ignore the tree trunk sticking out of our own eye. If someone here had a literal tree caught in his eyelid, wouldn’t we all see it and know there was a tree caught in his eyelid? People have problems and we all know about them, but we only rarely address them. In the name of kindness and tolerance we say nothing. But we become a church with lots of wood sticking out of people’s eyes. The church becomes a hole for cowards, unwilling to tell others the obvious.
If we face up to our own character defects and unchristian practices in communication that need changing, then God can use us, to, with tact, and kindness, and mercy, help our brothers and sisters to improve also. But first we have to get the chainsaw and cut down the log that is growing out of our own eye. Put your own heart in order before you open your mouth in criticism of another.
Looking On the Things of Others
Again, the Scriptures tell us to look on the things of others.
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others (Philippians 2:4).
This is not an invitation to be nosey, overbearing, or full of judgment toward others. Consider the context of this statement: humility. Paul says that he who is to look on the things of others has the Holy Spirit. He is seeking like-mindedness with others; he is actively seeking for unity.
He has left behind the orientation toward strife and self glorification. He enters upon the conversation esteeming the other person as being better than himself. He is seeking the reproduction of Christ’s attitude of humility in himself. If and only if these same principles are the dominant features of your experience, then you are equipped to look not on your own things only, but also on the things of others.
Against the Grain
Too often we revert to our pre-Christian behavior: we dodge responsibility. Instead of confronting others tactfully, godly, instead of building community, we ignore them. We begin to avoid others rather than help them to grow. We compromise the gospel.
The Matthew 18 method of communication may cut against our preferences, but it is the counsel of Jesus. Let us review it.
First, we want to see the context. The chapter falls into seven sections:
1-6 Humility is true greatness
7-11 Separate yourself from sin at all costs
12-14 God’s very strong desire to redeem
15-17 Labor to redeem your brother, even as you maintain the ethical witness of the church
18-20 Authority of the church; power of agreement within the church
21, 22 The depth of the true forgiving spirit
23-35 Need of deep forgiveness; reciprocal dynamic
We see immediately that the ideas are closely related. The overarching theme of Matthew 18 is the successful functioning parameters for Christian community. If all members are practicing personal humility, if they are separating themselves from sin, if they are seeking to save others, the church will have a most powerful witness for Christ in the world.
Have you studied this chapter? Did you notice “little child,” “children,” or “little ones” is mentioned seven times (18:2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 14)? All are to become like little children in humility; all are to become living exemplars of true greatness (18:14). But it cannot happen without humility, without strong desire to redeem, and without reciprocal forgiveness between followers. Our young people will emulate our communication styles. It is imperative that we communicate like Christians. Let’s take the steps one by one.
Matthew 18 Step One
If thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother (Matthew 18:15).
The first thing we notice here is that personal trespass is involved. One brother has personally offended against another.
We need to be careful here. It is one thing to give offense, but another to take offense. Being a believer in the church is not about seeking out offenses. But if one offends against you, consider well before you go to speak to him concerning the matter. Examine yourself closely, and be sure that the matter is of sufficient moment hat it is right to pursue it.
Also, since this is about personal trespass, this counsel is not a required approach for public trespasses.
If the matter is sufficiently important, you are to meet with your brother. You can plan for a casual meeting, or arrange specifically for one. Try to discern what is the best approach in the case of this person. You are responsible to go. He committed the personal trespass, but you are responsible to initiate correction. The responsibility rests squarely upon you, to go. The setting should be alone. If we go with other parties, then we create a situation in which it is more difficult for him to backdown. In the presence of other people he will be tempted to defend his behavior. So go alone. The meeting can occur in a public place, but none should be close enough to hear the conversation.
You should be in a prayerful mood. Explain the matter as tactfully and as persuasively as you can. Without making yourself out to be a superior person, you may relate that you too have made the same mistake at other times and that God helped you. Be low key. Do not threaten. If he does not at first see the matter as you see it, leave him approachable. Don’t tell him you’ll be praying for him. That can come across as a judgment of him and self-righteousness on your part. If you say anything on this line, limit it to, “I am praying for resolution of this situation between us, and especially for myself.”
Matthew 18 Step Two
But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established (Matthew 18:16).
After the interview, revisit the trespass in your thinking. Reconsider the matter with any new information that may have come to light in the private interview. Make a fresh determination for yourself whether the matter should be pursued further. If it seems not, then drop the matter and let it rest.
There will sometimes be a matter where, at this point, you remain convinced that you must go again. Arrange to go with one or two more. Try to select witnesses known to you and to the person who trespassed to be fair-minded, wise individuals. You are not to pick only persons who are your own friends. These should be persons who are clear-thinking, analytical types—people who can get to the bottom of a matter, by whom “every word may be established.” When both you and your brother have presented them the facts of the matter, then you should both listen closely to the counsel they offer. Most often, a matter will never go beyond the first step, but if it goes this far, usually it should be resolved at this step. Only extreme stubbornness would usually make it go any farther. But there are sometimes such cases. Then we come to the third and final step.
Matthew 18 step Three
And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican (Matthew 18:17).
Again review the matter. Determine whether it should be pursued further. It mAy be that the matter would be concluded here; you are not required to take it to the next step. But if the matter is of sufficient substance, and if the one or two witnesses from step two concur, then arrange for the matter to be told to the church.
This will mean a business meeting in which the assembled church elects to take no action, or vindicates the person of wrongdoing, or places him under church disciple, or in some cases, removes the person’s membership. The church then renders its ruling. The matter is settled.
Miscellaneous Principles
You will observe that the purpose of the process is redemptive, not judicial. The goal is to restore harmony in the church, to help each person grow in Christ. Another key principle is containment. At each step along the way, the matter is kept quiet, limiting awareness to just the necessary parties. In this way, reputations and relationships are preserved. This avoids humiliation of a guilty party. Other principles include a process that gives priority to fairness, truth-speaking, and righteous behavior, both for the offender and offended.
Special principles also pertain to respect for ministers and church leaders. Paul writes, “Against an elder receive not an accusation, but before two or three witnesses” (1 Timothy 5:19). But he says even more:
And we beseech you, brethren, to know them which labour among you, and are over you in the Lord, and admonish you; and to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake. And be at peace among yourselves (1 Thessalonians 5:12, 13).
The less energy your pastor and local church leaders have to spend untangling interpersonal disputes between believers, the more they can spend on building up the spirituality of the congregation and in doing the work of evangelism. Pray for your leaders. Seek to work with them. Esteem them highly in your affection because of the challenges they face. Always try to be a part of the solution rather than the problem. It is commonly said that 20% of the members take up 80% of the pastor’s time and emotional energy. But I am persuaded that in a church where the Holy Spirit has His way, that number would be very different.
Conclusion
One way in which we love the brethren is via our communication with one another. Christian communication should be very different from what passes as satisfactory communication in the world. We are called to communicate with one another with clarity, tact, honesty, and a redemptive spirit. Church leaders are called especially to model this, with careful listening. The tongue gets us into more trouble than almost anything. May our hearts and tongues both be given over to Jesus, who will help us to live against the grain of our own nature, and talk like Christians. GCO
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